The 13-step college admissions process — Onion-style
You think you know how the college admissions process works, right? Well, you are wrong.
Here, from our friends at the hilarious Onion, are the 13 steps that tell us how the process really works.
From The Onion:
This week hundreds of colleges across the country will be notifying applicants whether they’ve been accepted, waitlisted, or rejected. Here’s how college admissions departments determine their incoming freshman class:
Step 1: Admissions officers immediately reject all applicants who have the same first name as anyone they don’t like
Step 2: Colleges dispatch officials to monitor students while they sleep to see if they actually dream of going to their school
Step 3: School calculates a raw ranking score for each applicant based on all the standardized tests they took, including the SAT, ACT, SAT II, PEMCAP, GANT, Intermediate Bovis Assessment, ATK, PDB, Advanced Bovis Assessment, and the BLIM
Step 4: Colleges automatically accept anyone whose essay deals with a life-changing experience of some kind
Step 5: Twelfth application received on December 12 is granted admission for that particular candidate and four of their friends
Step 6: Wealthy father sits down with dean of admissions to see if they can’t straighten out this whole hit-and-run misunderstanding
Step 7: The final decision is made as to who is admitted and who needed just one more extracurricular
Step 8: Once an applicant is rejected, admissions officers call all other universities and warn them against accepting him or her
Step 9: Admissions office throws out big stack of applications they didn’t get to
Step 10: Before acceptance letters are mailed out, the dean of admissions places a personal red lipstick kiss on each one
Step 11: Stationery suppliers assist colleges in finding the exact envelope size to psychologically destroy applicants
Step 12: Your parents, relatives, and friends spend the next five months convincing you that the school you got into is actually pretty good and it’s really more about what you put into the experience than anything
Step 13: Soup kitchens go back to being understaffed and patiently hold out until next year’s application cycle
Here, from our friends at the hilarious Onion, are the 13 steps that tell us how the process really works.
From The Onion:
This week hundreds of colleges across the country will be notifying applicants whether they’ve been accepted, waitlisted, or rejected. Here’s how college admissions departments determine their incoming freshman class:
Step 1: Admissions officers immediately reject all applicants who have the same first name as anyone they don’t like
Step 2: Colleges dispatch officials to monitor students while they sleep to see if they actually dream of going to their school
Step 3: School calculates a raw ranking score for each applicant based on all the standardized tests they took, including the SAT, ACT, SAT II, PEMCAP, GANT, Intermediate Bovis Assessment, ATK, PDB, Advanced Bovis Assessment, and the BLIM
Step 4: Colleges automatically accept anyone whose essay deals with a life-changing experience of some kind
Step 5: Twelfth application received on December 12 is granted admission for that particular candidate and four of their friends
Step 6: Wealthy father sits down with dean of admissions to see if they can’t straighten out this whole hit-and-run misunderstanding
Step 7: The final decision is made as to who is admitted and who needed just one more extracurricular
Step 8: Once an applicant is rejected, admissions officers call all other universities and warn them against accepting him or her
Step 9: Admissions office throws out big stack of applications they didn’t get to
Step 10: Before acceptance letters are mailed out, the dean of admissions places a personal red lipstick kiss on each one
Step 11: Stationery suppliers assist colleges in finding the exact envelope size to psychologically destroy applicants
Step 12: Your parents, relatives, and friends spend the next five months convincing you that the school you got into is actually pretty good and it’s really more about what you put into the experience than anything
Step 13: Soup kitchens go back to being understaffed and patiently hold out until next year’s application cycle